Entry from Courage to Change

     “Al-Anon has helped me realize that no one readily knows what is in his heart, mind, and soul.  I can’t expect my needs to be met unless I first explain what those needs are.  Nor can I expect any one person to meet all those needs, even if I make them clear.  If the first person I ask for help is unable to provide it, I can ask someone else.  This takes the pressure off all of us.

     Before I began my Al-Anon recovery, I expected those closest to me to know what I was feeling without my telling them.  When I was angry and wanted to argue, I silently fumed.  When I was hurt and wanted comfort, I pouted.  When I wanted attention, I talked non-stop.  I couldn’t understand why I rarely got the responses I expected!

     I no longer expect anyone to read my mind.  I also accept that I can’t read the mind of a loved one.  Today I treat the people in my life with more respect because I am learning to ask for what I need and to encourage others to do the same.”

-Courage to Change, p. 66

     Easier said than done, but I'm working on it little by little.  Last night I casually talked about Al-Anon and going to meetings with one of my new friends.  It reminded me that coming out with my ACA story doesn't have to be this momentous event with tears and lots of feelings.  Sometimes it can just be a conversation. 

In ACA's Absence There is Al-Anon

There are no ACA meetings in my state, so I decided to go to an Al-Anon meeting.  I find many ACoAs go to Al-Anon when ACA is not available.  This was written the day after my first Al-Anon meeting. 

      I had my first real life (as in not online) meeting yesterday.  It was an Al-Anon meeting which I only later found out happened to have an adult child focus.  Seems I do have luck, but it's not really where I want it. 

     I was definitely the youngest there, though I became reassured by the presence of a guy only five years older who graduated from the same small college I went to.  I think it's going to take me some time to open up to this group, but they were very kind and supportive.

      There was a woman who looks like Sarah Palin.  Seemed really nice though.

      The meeting basically followed the same outline as the online ones, except you raised your hand instead of typing "!" and you said, "Hi my name is _____."  And everyone else said, "Hi _____."  Also real life hugging, which I wasn't totally comfortable with, so I stayed out of it.  I won't lie; it was a bit awkward.  But I think if I continue to go I'll start to trust them, and then I'll be able to open up. 

      Topic was God's will.  So many time the phrase, "Let go and let God," came up.  Yeah.  I'm not ready to relinquish that sort of control.   

The Beginning of My Road to Recovery

This post was written just after I had found out about ACA/ACoA and online meetings. 

So I Joined a 12 step program

    After last month, I've come to realize I need to do something about my issues.  Tonight I attended an Al-Anon online meeting.  Al-Anon is the organization which supports those family and friends affected by a loved one's drinking.  I saw there was a newcomer's meeting tonight so I logged in and listened (or read rather) to all the stories.  I was moved by the support and sense of community.  I think I'll go to this one when I can though I think I'll attend the ACOA meetings more.  ACOA stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics, which I did not know existed until this week.  In the past several years I've been trying to find where I fit.  I'm codependent sometimes, but I am always a child of an alcoholic.  I share so many of the characteristics of COA (children of alcoholics) that I'm wondering what is me and what was caused by my mother.  Would I have been drastically different without her drinking?

     I know that I need help.  Every day I wake up feeling like I don't belong here.  I carry these hurt feelings every day, and do all that I can to keep them at bay.  I hang out with friends.  I go to church.  I make plans for the future.  But the silence always gets me.  Whether it's the silence before I go to bed, or even the silence of being in a room of people yet not interacting with any of them, my feelings always crop up.  That I am not normal.  That I am not worthy, not good enough.  So I work hard.  I help others.  But it never is enough to keep the painful thoughts away for long.

     I feel so bad sharing this, because it ultimately doesn't matter.  I live with these thoughts every single day, and even though my friends love me, they can't help me if I'm not willing to get help.  I need to be held accountable for my actions, but more importantly for my inaction.  I am not okay.  I'm never okay, but I'm at a point in my life where I'm slowly trying to seek out help (and not just from my friends).

     It seems ridiculous.  To say I'm joining a 12 step program.  Maybe it won't work for me, but it's worth an honest shot.

"God save me from being angry and show me what I can do today for the man or woman who is still sick.  May your will and not mine be done."
(A prayer given to me by one of the members to help me with my anger.)