Alone

     Well I've managed to finally accomplish my dream.  I did it.  I got into medical school.  It was the best feeling in my life and even two months later reminds me that I am better than I think I am, and that I am enough.
     However, I may be enough and accomplished, but I am also very alone.  Much of it is my own doing.  I didn't have the same energy and zeal when it came to investing in my friendships.  I came to find that when I stopped this investment, I received little in turn, very little.  And somehow in the time that has past I have forgotten how to be a friend, not that I didn't struggle with this before, but now I find it very difficult to be a part of the group.
     I know the holidays always give me bit of a complex, and this year is certainly no exception.  Everyone is talking about their family and friends and loves and I'm over here wondering why I bother.  As much as I would like to think that I am strong, I have been weak.  Too open about my pain.  Ain't no one have time for that.
     It's a difficult thing to take on the world by your lonesome.  But I don't think I know how to even let anyone back into my world.  Good thing no one is knocking at my door.  Haha, even if anyone tried they would have to get through ten inches of pure steel for me to even notice the efforts.
     My job had taken regular ACA meeting from me, and now I am too scared to go back.  Maybe I need to go back to the online chat rooms.  The thoughts that ravage my mind are debilitating and perhaps can only be quelled with gentle introspection and caring hands.  Just like before.
     There is always hope.  I know when I'm at my lowest there is my Higher Power, but in the chill of a winter night, sometimes it simply doesn't feel like enough.  Still...I suppose we have to keep trying.  I mean what else can we do?
     

The Slippery Slope Downwards

It's been a while hasn't it?

In that time I have stopped attending ACA meetings, devoted myself to my EMT job, and cut ties with nearly all my non-EMS friends.

I am such a patchwork of emotions and ideas that it seems like a miracle that I can continue to function.  I think it's only due to my prolific stubbornness that I manage.

What does it mean to be a friend?  I'm not sure I know anymore.  I don't know if I am expecting too much or I'm not fighting hard enough to be treated like I think I should.  The problem is though my idea of fighting is actually giving up.  Easy than conflict, no?

I am so completely focused on my goal of getting into medical school that I have thrown everything else by the wayside.  I am being completely selfish and it feels extremely off putting, but the sad realization is that my singular focus is producing results.  I'm going to get into medical school this application cycle and it's all because I'm not wasting my energies on anything else.

Inside, I am so amazingly empty.  Numb has become my choice of feeling.  Alone is now how I spend my time.

Clearly I am not capable of having relationships beyond the superficial, minus the one or two I retain through the common tie of EMS.  If I wasn't stuck with me I wouldn't bother either.  God, that reeks of self pity, and while I am an expert on the subject I do know I need to give it up.  But it's hard when I've lost not even just friends, but my feelings.

You can't get hurt if you don't feel right?  Easy peezy.

I might write further once I'm done with the MCAT next week.  Writing has always been there for me and it never fails to respond to my pleas.  But we'll see.

Later then.