It's been a while hasn't it?
In that time I have stopped attending ACA meetings, devoted myself to my EMT job, and cut ties with nearly all my non-EMS friends.
I am such a patchwork of emotions and ideas that it seems like a miracle that I can continue to function. I think it's only due to my prolific stubbornness that I manage.
What does it mean to be a friend? I'm not sure I know anymore. I don't know if I am expecting too much or I'm not fighting hard enough to be treated like I think I should. The problem is though my idea of fighting is actually giving up. Easy than conflict, no?
I am so completely focused on my goal of getting into medical school that I have thrown everything else by the wayside. I am being completely selfish and it feels extremely off putting, but the sad realization is that my singular focus is producing results. I'm going to get into medical school this application cycle and it's all because I'm not wasting my energies on anything else.
Inside, I am so amazingly empty. Numb has become my choice of feeling. Alone is now how I spend my time.
Clearly I am not capable of having relationships beyond the superficial, minus the one or two I retain through the common tie of EMS. If I wasn't stuck with me I wouldn't bother either. God, that reeks of self pity, and while I am an expert on the subject I do know I need to give it up. But it's hard when I've lost not even just friends, but my feelings.
You can't get hurt if you don't feel right? Easy peezy.
I might write further once I'm done with the MCAT next week. Writing has always been there for me and it never fails to respond to my pleas. But we'll see.
Later then.
