ACA Trait: Judge Ourselves Too Harshly

From the Laundry List, ACA Trait 11: "We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem."

     In high school I remember being told to write a fictional short story.  I’ve never been great at crafting fiction, so I pulled inspiration from my head.  I wrote about the three “voices” in my head.  One was sad and weepy, eternally broken.  The second was the calm yet unfeeling voice of reason and logic.  And the third was the hypercritical voice, sneering ever at my pathetic attempts to exist. 

     Growing up I knew I was never good enough, that I could always be better.  Each day I tried to be a better person, but I never succeeded, at least not in my eyes.  “Everyone makes mistakes.”  I would not allow myself to make mistakes.  If I did make a mistake I would bring down the hammer and scold myself for days, sometimes weeks for something minor.  

      It wasn’t until college that I realized how harsh I was to myself.  Even then it wasn’t apparent to me until someone else pointed it out.  I was talking to one of my friends, one whom I wasn’t real close with.  All of a sudden she turns to me and says, “You’re real hard on yourself, you know?”  I was taken aback by her words.  I hadn’t thought about it that way.  I simply was the way I was.  

     My friend’s words made me question how I treated myself.  But in the end I decided that I was responsible for me and if someone else wasn’t going to push me, I had to do it.  “If I don’t do it, who else will?”  So while I finally identified the critical voice in my head for what it was (an uncompromising bitch), I continued to allow it to talk and whisper in my ear.

     Then I started ACA, and I discovered that 1) having such a critical voice is indicative of adult children of alcoholics, 2) that it isn’t a good thing and is self destructive and 3) I didn’t have to it listen anymore.  Now when the critical voice pops into my head I identify it for what it is and I block out the venomous invective as best I can. 

Program Slogans That Work

     Today I am struggling.  There is no shame in that.  There are going to be days like this.  It's important for me to understand a month of recovery only goes so far.  My life does not become perfect just because I've decided to get help.

      I've been using a few slogans to help me get through my days and disappointments such as the one I experienced today.  "Progress, not Perfection"  "It may not be okay, but it is okay to feel."  "I am enough".  As I try to convince myself that I am deserving of happiness and that life will get better, I'll leave you guys with some other helpful slogans.

ACA Slogans:

                ACA is Simple but it is Not Easy

                Live Beyond Mere Survival

                There is Another Way to Live

                One Day at a Time

                Easy Does It

                Keep it Simple

                Progress Not Perfection

                First Things First

                This Pain Too Shall Pass

                Let Go.  Let God.

                Keep Coming Back

                Name It, Don’t Blame It

                Ask for Help and Accept It

                Pray and Pray Harder

                Don’t Just Do Something.  Sit There.

                Be Still and Know.

                There is no Healing without Feeling

Copied from p.52 of Adult Children: Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families (“The Big Red Book”).  Can be ordered here.

In ACA's Absence There is Al-Anon

There are no ACA meetings in my state, so I decided to go to an Al-Anon meeting.  I find many ACoAs go to Al-Anon when ACA is not available.  This was written the day after my first Al-Anon meeting. 

      I had my first real life (as in not online) meeting yesterday.  It was an Al-Anon meeting which I only later found out happened to have an adult child focus.  Seems I do have luck, but it's not really where I want it. 

     I was definitely the youngest there, though I became reassured by the presence of a guy only five years older who graduated from the same small college I went to.  I think it's going to take me some time to open up to this group, but they were very kind and supportive.

      There was a woman who looks like Sarah Palin.  Seemed really nice though.

      The meeting basically followed the same outline as the online ones, except you raised your hand instead of typing "!" and you said, "Hi my name is _____."  And everyone else said, "Hi _____."  Also real life hugging, which I wasn't totally comfortable with, so I stayed out of it.  I won't lie; it was a bit awkward.  But I think if I continue to go I'll start to trust them, and then I'll be able to open up. 

      Topic was God's will.  So many time the phrase, "Let go and let God," came up.  Yeah.  I'm not ready to relinquish that sort of control.   

The Beginning of My Road to Recovery

This post was written just after I had found out about ACA/ACoA and online meetings. 

So I Joined a 12 step program

    After last month, I've come to realize I need to do something about my issues.  Tonight I attended an Al-Anon online meeting.  Al-Anon is the organization which supports those family and friends affected by a loved one's drinking.  I saw there was a newcomer's meeting tonight so I logged in and listened (or read rather) to all the stories.  I was moved by the support and sense of community.  I think I'll go to this one when I can though I think I'll attend the ACOA meetings more.  ACOA stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics, which I did not know existed until this week.  In the past several years I've been trying to find where I fit.  I'm codependent sometimes, but I am always a child of an alcoholic.  I share so many of the characteristics of COA (children of alcoholics) that I'm wondering what is me and what was caused by my mother.  Would I have been drastically different without her drinking?

     I know that I need help.  Every day I wake up feeling like I don't belong here.  I carry these hurt feelings every day, and do all that I can to keep them at bay.  I hang out with friends.  I go to church.  I make plans for the future.  But the silence always gets me.  Whether it's the silence before I go to bed, or even the silence of being in a room of people yet not interacting with any of them, my feelings always crop up.  That I am not normal.  That I am not worthy, not good enough.  So I work hard.  I help others.  But it never is enough to keep the painful thoughts away for long.

     I feel so bad sharing this, because it ultimately doesn't matter.  I live with these thoughts every single day, and even though my friends love me, they can't help me if I'm not willing to get help.  I need to be held accountable for my actions, but more importantly for my inaction.  I am not okay.  I'm never okay, but I'm at a point in my life where I'm slowly trying to seek out help (and not just from my friends).

     It seems ridiculous.  To say I'm joining a 12 step program.  Maybe it won't work for me, but it's worth an honest shot.

"God save me from being angry and show me what I can do today for the man or woman who is still sick.  May your will and not mine be done."
(A prayer given to me by one of the members to help me with my anger.)

    

ACA Child Roles

"Responsible Child" - "Family Hero"

This is the child who is "9 going on 40." This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good students, the sports stars, the prom queens. The parents look to this child to prove that they are good parents and good people.

As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental (although perhaps very subtle about it) - of others and secretly of themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self. They are compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.

The family hero, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed.


"Acting out child" - "Scapegoat"

This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school because they get attention the only way they know how - which is negatively.

These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive. This often results in this child becoming the first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery.


"Placater" - "Mascot" - "Caretaker"

This child takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family. They become the families 'social director' and/or clown, diverting the family's attention from the pain and anger.

This child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it. They often have case loads rather than friendships - and get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e. people pleasing, classically codependent) people.


"Adjuster" - "Lost Child"

This child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and "don't bother getting upset."

These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem. They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are 'lost children' who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters.

From: http://www.joy2meu.com/DysfunctionalFamilies.htm

Pre-ACA Thinking

I wrote this last month before I had even heard of ACA.  Thought I post it here as an example of ACoA thinking.

     Tonight I went out with a few of my church friends for one of their birthdays and was struck by how they welcomed me back from my holiday with my folks.   They said they missed me.  And it felt true.  I felt it.  Typically when people say those things I sorta shrug it off.  Not this time.  I believed them when they said they missed me.  But at the same time I realized they don’t know me.  Only the part I’ve chosen to share with them. 

      I am what you call a private person.  I’ll honestly answer any question you ask me, but if you don’t ask I’m not likely to tell you.  Or I will, but it will take me a year or two of being your friend to do so.  I could tell them all about my past, the pains and heartache, but really I enjoy being this not me person.  I’m not depressed.  I’m just quiet.  In fact quite laughably, someone called me the positive one in our group.  True, I try and see the best in things and people, but only because it’s my way to deal with my head.

     Is it dishonest to be someone different?  I don’t know.  But I do know that after talking to one of ministers about my family troubles I can hardly look at her in the eye.  Because it’s hard for me to own up to what I’ve been through.  Is it shame?  Shame because in a moment of weakness I told my minister what I’ve had to deal with and still do?

     In my household, we learned pretty quickly that any emotion other than happiness was not wanted.  I learned to keep things inside, bottled them up.  It was extremely unhealthy as you might imagine.  Things got better in college once I was away from my parents, and I learned to talk about my feelings rather than keep them in.  But I also joined a sorority and learned to craft a mask of happiness. 

     Additionally, I  learned to write things out.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it makes things worse, but it has helped me figure out just what I was feeling and has kept thoughts focused and not stumbling over each other. 

     Still I am shy.  With new folks initially I imagine I can be seen as off-putting.  Quiet and serious.  I don’t smile easily.  But I always am very polite and sorority living has thought me the "joys" of small talk and to use my low feelings of self worth to my advantage.  In a conversation low self worth can become charming self-deprecating humor and humbleness.  My feeling that very few things matter in this world?  It makes me seem like a relaxed and generally on top of things person, who is unfazed by much.  This can also be mistaken for confidence, but I should know I have none of that.

        I tend to live in a state of repression/depression/distraction.  Is it always going to be like this? 

The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
   
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
   
3. We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
   
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
   
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
   
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
   
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
   
8. We became addicted to excitement.
   
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
   
10. We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
    
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
    
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
    
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
    
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
    
    
    
    
    
    Copied from Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, Inc. here.

ACoA Chat Poetry

And I am irritated
at how alone I feel
Irritated that I have to "share"

But mainly very very sad
That she loved the bottle more than me
And ashamed that I don't miss her
as much as maybe I should

And mad that no one did anything
about it
I was a KID

Copied from a member of the ACoA chatroom here.

(Watch for blog updates on Wednesday and Friday with occasional extra posts on other days.)

Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

Some characteristics I complied of COAs, children of alcoholics (also applies to those who grew up in a emotionally disruptive home):

   -the fear of loss of control
   -trust issues
   -avoidance of feelings
   -super responsibility/ super irresponsibility
   -judge themselves without mercy
   -have difficulty having fun
   -take themselves very seriously
   -have difficulty with intimate relationships
   -constantly seek approval and affirmation
   -feel that they are different from other people
   -become isolated
   -hard on themselves, often to the point of self-hatred
   -fear or feel uncomfortable around authority figures
   -uncomfortable when people focus on them
   -they have a great deal of anger inside of them
   -they keep others from getting to know them
   -they agree to activities that they later regret agreeing to
   -stuff their feelings
   -lose the ability to feel
   -view life as a victim
   -terrified of personal criticism
   -have low self-esteem

"I always find myself in the middle of chaos, never understanding how I got there."