The Beginning of My Road to Recovery

This post was written just after I had found out about ACA/ACoA and online meetings. 

So I Joined a 12 step program

    After last month, I've come to realize I need to do something about my issues.  Tonight I attended an Al-Anon online meeting.  Al-Anon is the organization which supports those family and friends affected by a loved one's drinking.  I saw there was a newcomer's meeting tonight so I logged in and listened (or read rather) to all the stories.  I was moved by the support and sense of community.  I think I'll go to this one when I can though I think I'll attend the ACOA meetings more.  ACOA stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics, which I did not know existed until this week.  In the past several years I've been trying to find where I fit.  I'm codependent sometimes, but I am always a child of an alcoholic.  I share so many of the characteristics of COA (children of alcoholics) that I'm wondering what is me and what was caused by my mother.  Would I have been drastically different without her drinking?

     I know that I need help.  Every day I wake up feeling like I don't belong here.  I carry these hurt feelings every day, and do all that I can to keep them at bay.  I hang out with friends.  I go to church.  I make plans for the future.  But the silence always gets me.  Whether it's the silence before I go to bed, or even the silence of being in a room of people yet not interacting with any of them, my feelings always crop up.  That I am not normal.  That I am not worthy, not good enough.  So I work hard.  I help others.  But it never is enough to keep the painful thoughts away for long.

     I feel so bad sharing this, because it ultimately doesn't matter.  I live with these thoughts every single day, and even though my friends love me, they can't help me if I'm not willing to get help.  I need to be held accountable for my actions, but more importantly for my inaction.  I am not okay.  I'm never okay, but I'm at a point in my life where I'm slowly trying to seek out help (and not just from my friends).

     It seems ridiculous.  To say I'm joining a 12 step program.  Maybe it won't work for me, but it's worth an honest shot.

"God save me from being angry and show me what I can do today for the man or woman who is still sick.  May your will and not mine be done."
(A prayer given to me by one of the members to help me with my anger.)