Pre-ACA Thinking

I wrote this last month before I had even heard of ACA.  Thought I post it here as an example of ACoA thinking.

     Tonight I went out with a few of my church friends for one of their birthdays and was struck by how they welcomed me back from my holiday with my folks.   They said they missed me.  And it felt true.  I felt it.  Typically when people say those things I sorta shrug it off.  Not this time.  I believed them when they said they missed me.  But at the same time I realized they don’t know me.  Only the part I’ve chosen to share with them. 

      I am what you call a private person.  I’ll honestly answer any question you ask me, but if you don’t ask I’m not likely to tell you.  Or I will, but it will take me a year or two of being your friend to do so.  I could tell them all about my past, the pains and heartache, but really I enjoy being this not me person.  I’m not depressed.  I’m just quiet.  In fact quite laughably, someone called me the positive one in our group.  True, I try and see the best in things and people, but only because it’s my way to deal with my head.

     Is it dishonest to be someone different?  I don’t know.  But I do know that after talking to one of ministers about my family troubles I can hardly look at her in the eye.  Because it’s hard for me to own up to what I’ve been through.  Is it shame?  Shame because in a moment of weakness I told my minister what I’ve had to deal with and still do?

     In my household, we learned pretty quickly that any emotion other than happiness was not wanted.  I learned to keep things inside, bottled them up.  It was extremely unhealthy as you might imagine.  Things got better in college once I was away from my parents, and I learned to talk about my feelings rather than keep them in.  But I also joined a sorority and learned to craft a mask of happiness. 

     Additionally, I  learned to write things out.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it makes things worse, but it has helped me figure out just what I was feeling and has kept thoughts focused and not stumbling over each other. 

     Still I am shy.  With new folks initially I imagine I can be seen as off-putting.  Quiet and serious.  I don’t smile easily.  But I always am very polite and sorority living has thought me the "joys" of small talk and to use my low feelings of self worth to my advantage.  In a conversation low self worth can become charming self-deprecating humor and humbleness.  My feeling that very few things matter in this world?  It makes me seem like a relaxed and generally on top of things person, who is unfazed by much.  This can also be mistaken for confidence, but I should know I have none of that.

        I tend to live in a state of repression/depression/distraction.  Is it always going to be like this?