From the Laundry List, ACA Trait 11: "We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem."
In high school I remember being told to write a fictional short story. I’ve never been great at crafting fiction, so I pulled inspiration from my head. I wrote about the three “voices” in my head. One was sad and weepy, eternally broken. The second was the calm yet unfeeling voice of reason and logic. And the third was the hypercritical voice, sneering ever at my pathetic attempts to exist.
Growing up I knew I was never good enough, that I could always be better. Each day I tried to be a better person, but I never succeeded, at least not in my eyes. “Everyone makes mistakes.” I would not allow myself to make mistakes. If I did make a mistake I would bring down the hammer and scold myself for days, sometimes weeks for something minor.
It wasn’t until college that I realized how harsh I was to myself. Even then it wasn’t apparent to me until someone else pointed it out. I was talking to one of my friends, one whom I wasn’t real close with. All of a sudden she turns to me and says, “You’re real hard on yourself, you know?” I was taken aback by her words. I hadn’t thought about it that way. I simply was the way I was.
My friend’s words made me question how I treated myself. But in the end I decided that I was responsible for me and if someone else wasn’t going to push me, I had to do it. “If I don’t do it, who else will?” So while I finally identified the critical voice in my head for what it was (an uncompromising bitch), I continued to allow it to talk and whisper in my ear.
Then I started ACA, and I discovered that 1) having such a critical voice is indicative of adult children of alcoholics, 2) that it isn’t a good thing and is self destructive and 3) I didn’t have to it listen anymore. Now when the critical voice pops into my head I identify it for what it is and I block out the venomous invective as best I can.
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